I remember one time I was talking to my therapist and I was going on and on about someone not liking me and how I knew they didn’t like me because they had done and/or said “XYZ”. She let me go on my rant and list out every single reason I felt like this person didn’t like me, then she asked, “Does that person really not like you, or are you walking in offense?” I was confused by her question as I’d clearly explained all the reasons why I felt as though this person didn’t like me. She then went on to explain that often times when we’re offended or have unresolved issues with someone, we tend to automatically associate anything they say or do with us or our situation. This is especially true if the issues you have with someone are utterly fabricated and a figment of your imagination. For example, they could say, “I hate the color Turquoise.” Instead of accepting it as them having a color preference, you automatically make it about you and say things like, “I had on a Turquoise shirt in a picture 5 years ago, I know they saw that picture and so that’s their way of saying they my hate clothing choices.” Now, did that person say anything remotely close to that? No- they were simply making a statement about not liking a color, but because you’re offended by something they did, said, or didn’t do, everything feels like an attack or a jab when the other individual isn’t thinking about you.

So you know what I had to do. I had to take a step back and really look at the root cause of the issue. We’d had a disagreement, followed by a discussion and she’d thought we’d moved on. She merely said, “I hate the color Turquoise.” But I was still harboring feelings and walking in offense because in my mind she was acting differently. Following the discussion with my therapist I decided to have another heart to heart with the individual and found out she had far more going on than I could have ever imagined. She wasn’t even thinking about me and had no idea I was taking everything she said/did to heart. She had literally left the past in the past and thought everything was good between us. Meanwhile, I’d made myself a literal God in her world and was convinced that I was the only thing on her mind, all because I’d allowed my perceived issues between us to live rent free in my head.

If I’m being honest, this is part of the reason I took a step back from blogging. I was tired of finding myself in her shoes. I was tired of people only knowing one facet of my life and trying to connect everything I said, did, and/or posted to that one thing. I was literally saying “I hate the color Turquoise.” and they were connecting it to everything but the color Turquoise.

Me- “I hate the color Turquoise.” Them- “She must be talking about so and so because you know they fell out and her wedding colors were Turquoise. SMH Look how petty she’s being.”

Me- “I hate the color Turquoise.” Them- “See I told you she thought she was better than everybody else, what if Turquoise is all they can afford. SMH look at her turning her nose up at people like she forgot where she came from”

Me- “I hate the color Turquoise.” Them- “Ugh, the audacity- that’s my favorite color, she must be saying she doesn’t like me. SMH I told you she’s been talking about me this whole time.”

Then here comes the hate train. Meanwhile, I’m confused as to why or how anyone could be offended or feel like I was making subliminals, simply based on my dislike of a color. I’m the same person that is happily in love (like I love me some HAJ), but will blast and sing K. Michelle’s “Can’t Raise a Man” or Keyshia Cole’s “I Should Have Cheated” at the top of my lungs like my man just shattered my heart. I can’t imagine how my marriage would be affected if every time I was bopping along to a cheat or breakup track my husband felt like I was “trying to say something” or “taking subliminal jabs”.

Even now, there are some that will read this and will immediately start self-reflecting, just as I did during my therapy session. While others will read this, get offended and again assume it’s about them. All of you would be correct- Self-reflection is vital- Therefore you should take a step back and think about if you’ve unconsciously forced dots to connect that shouldn’t have even been on the same page. Even for those that may have chosen the latter, it’s okay to be offended, but it’s not okay to stay there. I challenge you to do some soul searching, maybe even attend a therapy session or two, and really get to the bottom of why you’re so easily offended or should I say triggered by things that genuinely don’t apply to you. And if you’re saying “but, it does apply to me.” I humbly ask “Are you the color Turquoise.” If no, then I assure you it doesn’t apply to you. Can you feel that weight lifting?

I leave you with this… People are not responsible for the versions of them that you’ve made up in your head. It’s up to you to determine if the version you created was based around true experiences, something you heard, or a complete fabrication. We are all products of our past, be it experiences, feelings, etc. but we don’t have to be prisoners to it. Don’t assign past baggage to anyone who wasn’t on the previous journey with you.

Peace, Love and Healing,

Rachelle