There are moments in life that don’t feel profound when they’re happening. They slip out casually, wrapped in laughter, tossed into a conversation with no fanfare at all. But later, when you look back, you realize they left fingerprints on the person you became.

For me, one of those moments came from my uncle, the man who, along with my aunt, stepped in and gave me stability during years when my parents were unable to. They didn’t just give me a room; they gave me structure, calm, and the kind of care that you don’t fully appreciate until you’re old enough to understand what it costs someone to provide it. Fast forward to after college. I was older, grateful, and feeling that adult urge to “repay” the people who helped raise me. I told my uncle, with all the sincerity in the world, “I appreciate everything y’all did for me. One day, I’m going to pay you back.”

He didn’t miss a beat.

First he joked, “You can’t, you can’t,” waving his hand like the idea itself was ridiculous.

And then he said it, the line that would stick with me far longer than he probably intended:

“Pay me back by not asking me for shit. Not a damn thing.”

We both bursted out laughing, because if you knew my uncle then you already know exactly how he said it. But beneath the joke was a truth I felt deeply. What he meant was, You owe us nothing. Live your life. Stand on your own two feet. That’s the only payback we ever wanted. And even though I knew that if I ever needed anything, I could ask them without hesitation, something clicked in me that day. I decided that my way of honoring everybody who ever helped me… was to become someone who didn’t need help.

So I stopped asking.

Sometimes even when I should have asked. Since I’ve been an “adult”, I’ve asked two people for help outside of my parents; my oldest aunt let me live with her for about 5/6 months and my godparents loaned me $1800. Did I need help outside of these two times? Absolutely! But I didn’t want to be the child the needed help AND the adult that also needed help. Because in my mind, independence wasn’t just a choice, it was a thank-you. A way to show that the sacrifices people made for me weren’t wasted. A way to prove that their investment in me created someone capable, resilient, and self-sustaining.

Now, as an adult with more self-awareness than I had back then, I can see the complexity in that mindset. There’s strength in independence, for sure, but there’s also strength in allowing yourself to receive support. There’s no medal for struggling through something alone when someone who loves you would gladly help. But that moment with my uncle is still part of my foundation. It shaped how I move through the world. It taught me to be resourceful, to figure things out, to carry myself with pride and purpose. And in its own way, it taught me gratitude, not the kind you speak, but the kind you live.

So maybe I did pay him back after all. Not by never asking for anything, but by becoming a person that doesn’t feel entitled and knows that I am fully capable of standing on my own two feet. 

Rachelle Danielle