gut feeling · Uncategorized

Filtered Smiles Hide My Unfiltered Truth

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While writing Gut Feeling, I mentally prepared myself for the whispers as I walked by, wives pulling their husbands a little closer, side-eyes from women who took pride in being the other woman and even being called a snitch. I was mentally prepared for judgement from people who didn’t know me and disappointment from those who did. I was mentally prepared for the “see that’s why I don’t trust Christians” and the “not miss goody-two-shoe” comments. I was mentally prepared for the “girl, who is he?” and “when did this happen?” questions. I was prepared for the unfollows on social media and even the people who would become jealous of my “success.” I was prepared for the possibility of a lawsuit or even the very slim chance that his wife would find out. I was mentally prepared for all of that. However, I was not at all prepared for two things, two things that never in a million years would cross my mind. Things that not even my friends, my team, or my attorney could have prepared me for…

  1. Judgment from women clergy.
  2. Married men thinking Gut Feeling is an open invitation.

There’s nothing that anyone could have said that would have made me think either of these were an option. Nothing! I’ve never been the type to put clergy on a pedestal; however, I will admit that I do hold them to a higher standard. The last thing I would have expected was to become invisible to them. After all, part of their job is to counsel and help people work through their issues. Therefore, I would think they have seen and heard it all. I wasn’t prepared for women clergy members to walk past me as though I was Gomer when they’d just had an entire conversation with me the day they got Gut Feeling. I wasn’t prepared for the “heys”, hugs, and “how you doing’s” to turn into “oh hey,” let me keep my distance, I don’t care to know how you’re doing. I wasn’t prepared for it and in all honesty if I was a baby Christian it would have caused me to pull away from the church. Thank God I’m built church tuff and have unfortunately grown used to church hurt. Although, I still struggle with the concept of someone in the fivefold wanting to condemn me for going through it instead of applauding me for making it out. Correct me if you feel the need to. Mentor me if you think I’m lost. But to judge me when I’ve already been forgiven… “where they do that at?”

To be honest, the second one is more surprising and hurtful than the first. If anything, I expected Gut Feeling to run men away. If anything, I would expect that it would cause them to pause a minute before even thinking to approach me. I would expect that they would be apprehensive at the possibility of becoming the villain in my next novel. However, it has been the complete opposite, especially as it relates to married men. I’ve had married men jump in my inbox on Facebook, slide thru my DMs on Instagram and even SnapChat me their penis. Seriously! Men that have their wife and children as their profile pictures; men that pour their hearts out on Wednesday’s shouting their wife out as their WCW; men that boldly walk through church hand in hand with their wife; somehow have come to the erroneous conclusion that I’m still the gullible girl that fell for the “okie doke.”  Think again! I know some are probably wondering why the second one bothers me the most. I’m sure many of you are saying, “just do what you’re doing and continue to call them out” or “girl, just ignore them.” I get it, believe me, I do, but it is frustrating, infuriating and quite honestly brings me to tears. Think about it….who in their right mind would go through the ordeal known as Gut Feeling, make it out and willingly get back in an even remotely similar situation? Who?

It literally makes my stomach turn because I’m not HER. Even when I was in the thick of Gut Feeling, I still wasn’t the girl that was proud to be a side chick. I understand that “that girl” helped mold me into the woman I am today. However, “that girl” has grown by leaps and bounds. That girl that fell in love with the married man is not the woman I am today. That girl that tolerated being treated like a second-class citizen in a third world country, is the woman that knows her worth, position and purpose today.  That girl that freely gave her body to be used and tossed out by that married man, is the woman that understands her body is her temple and has been 100% celibate since she got out that relationship.

Now that I’ve taken my body, my voice and my power back, I refuse to allow ANYONE to put me in that space again. I am not that girl and I will never allow anyone to treat me as though I am that girl EVER AGAIN! So to the clergy members who all of a sudden don’t see me; I may be overlooked by you, but I’m handpicked by God. To the husbands who think I’ll ever play that role again “I don’t like to gamble, but if there’s one thing I’m willing to bet on, it’s myself.” I’ll bet you my life, I’ll NEVER knowingly play that role again. Here lies “That Girl” may she forever rest in peace!

xoxo

Rachelle Danielle

 

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3 thoughts on “Filtered Smiles Hide My Unfiltered Truth

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