Makes Me Wanna Scream

The older I get the more I realize that I can’t be everything to everyone…all the time. People see you as a giving person and they expect for you to bend over backwards just to please them, not realizing you’re hurting yourself in the process. This past year has been one of the toughest years I’ve had emotionally since 1999. (That’s the year I lost 5 family members right after one another)

I don’t even know where to start…Sheesshh Ok I’m going to get through this without crying. I’ve always been pretty much a loner. I prefer dancing over talking on the phone, the dance studio rather than the mall, learning new choreography over learning new people. That’s just the way I’ve always been. Please don’t get me wrong. I enjoy meeting new and interesting people, but I’m very cautious about who I let in; especially as it relates to females. I think that’s why most of my closet friends are males.  With that being said, over the years I’ve developed what most people refer to as a tough exterior. I appear to have a very nonchalant attitude when in fact I cry at the drop of a dime. I’m almost embarrassed to reveal some of the things I cry over…sooo lets just say God blessed me with some extra tear ducts. LOL

Anywhoo one of my closest guy friends and one that wasn’t so close but never the less still a good friend really flipped the script on me over the past few weeks. Without going into too much detail both of these guys want more than I’m willing to give at this point. I was 100% honest with them both, but naturally guys don’t deal with rejection too well and now I feel bad. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve known both of these guys since my days on the verdant greens and slopping hills of North Carolina Central University. Normally it wouldn’t bother me, but I guess since so many people have died in the last week and a half it’s getting to me more. I wrote a blog a few months ago and I shared it with one of the guys and I kinda feel like he tried to throw it back in my face. In the blog I told a story about how I’d read one of D Woods blogs and she was talking about spending the day with her friends and their little boy.  She then went on to talk about how the little boy butted into their conversation and that’s where the blog excerpt picks up.


The little boy stated “I’m going to vote for Obama” and when they told him that President Obama probably wouldn’t be able to run for office any more by the time he could vote the little boy said “Obama can vote for me then, I’m gonna be president.”

I know that statement alone is pretty ambitious, but for the first time ever in my life, when I hear an African American child say that, I know that it’s not impossible. I no longer feel like it’s a lie. I know it’s been a minute since we elected our new President, but every time I hear or read something like this it gets me worked up all over again. I start thinking about how many African American males didn’t get to witness this history because their lives were cut short due to violence. Or how many of them couldn’t cast their votes because they are convicted felons. Even worse, how many of them had to watch our country’s history from the corners of a jail cell. Man I get teary eyed just thinking about it. How many of them could have been congressmen, senators, lawyers, doctors, teachers, or even potentially the President, had they gotten the proper guidance? I used to be quick to dismiss our men. I was the one saying “they’re aren’t any good black men left, they’re either in jail, fruity (no offense), have more kids than I do shoes, a playa, or married”, sure I may have been wrong, but I was just going off past experiences. I’ve made a vow to be more encouraging to our men. Especially the ones that are out here doing what they’re supposed to be doing. They’re so many distractions, and it’s easy to fall off track, but with our support they can be the leaders God created them to be! So to all of you that are being productive citizens of this country, Thank You. To those of you that need a little more help getting on track…we have your back, let’s get it together, we want to be able to vote for you!


            I’m a firm believer of everything that I wrote. I love supporting our black men. I’m probably their biggest cheerleader. If a man is doing what he’s supposed to, you can count on my support. But that doesn’t mean I have to support you by dating you. I’ve prayed about it and I know that neither one of these guys are who God wants me to be with. But why do I feel at fault? I know why…I’ve done what was best for everyone else for so long, that now when I’m doing what’s best for me I feel guilty. Not this time… I’m not settling. I’ve made up in my mind that I’m living my life to please myself and God and who ever else is pleased a long the way…good for you!  Ok so why I am kidding. It hurts…I feel like I’ve lost two friends. Two really cool guys that have the potential to impact this world. But I guess if they can respect my wishes of us not dating, then I guess I can respect theirs…and there you have it. So as we burry the King of Pop today, I guess I’ll be burying these relationships….Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.michael-jackson

One thought on “Makes Me Wanna Scream

  1. I’m not sure what brought me to your blog tonite but for whatever reason I’m here……..losing a friend or changing the dynamics of a relationship can cause a lot of emotional turmoil but keep in mind that some people are only in our lives for a season. If people cannot accept and respect what you truly feel in your heart, it’s their problem not yours. So don’t you accept the responsibility for what they are feeling or trying to make you feel. Sometimes people will guilt you into doing what they want you to do but you are much too smart to fall for that. As long as you know your heart and God’s desire and plan for you, you will be able to accept whatever may come of these relationships. Take it in stride and count it as a lesson learned, a preparation of sorts……so that when God is ready to give you whatever or whomever he has in store for you, you will be ready.

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