It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog. Not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I was afraid of saying too much. Earlier this week I read an amazing blog (http://roycelyndsay.blogspot.com/2009/10/duck-that-quacks-doesnt-always-get-shot.html ) written by a fellow dancer. Although we have two completely different stories I could relate to what she was saying in so many different ways. As I read through the lines of the blog I couldn’t help but look back on how many times I just “let it go” or “got over it” merely because of who the person was or because I was told “It’s the right thing to do.” Never really getting the closure or the answers I needed. Or what’s even worse…never having the opportunity to clear my name. I pulled up my email account and looked at all of the email drafts I’d written about things I wanted to say to people but out of fear never sent them and just let it go. Those of you that know me know I can be a very vocal person, but when it came to certain situations with certain people, I would just drop it. I felt like it was me against the machine. And If I were to really tell the truth all of the people that love, look up too, and respect them would look at me like I was the guilty party. Or like “well what did you do to cause them to act that way?” So I dealt with the issues internally; I smiled as they whispered, blogged when they refused to listen and danced while they pointed fingers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out of my way to do things for people only to get slapped in the face in the process. I could have, probably should have put them on blast, but to save face or to protect their ego, I dropped it.
I grew up in a household where it wasn’t cool to tattle. I can’t tell you how many times my older guy cousins would tell me “Snitches get stitches, and some end up in ditches.” But is it really snitching if you’ve given the person ample opportunities to do right by you? Don’t get me wrong, I believe in loyalty and for that reason alone I’ll take some things to my grave…but at the same time, there’s a big difference between loyalty and stupidity. I’ll be the first to admit I acted naively in a lot of situations. I threw in the towel when I had every reason to fight. I bit my tongue while my name was run through the mud. I had plenty chances to “spill the beans” but I didn’t. Those that were close to me tried everything to get me to expose “them” for who and what they really were, but I cared more about their feelings and reputation than they cared about mine. So consider this a warning. The filters are off! I’m tired of being walked over just because “she’s not going to say anything” but from this day forward please believe I’m not going to let ANYONE stop my Quack. (see link to blog above to get the full understanding of Quack)
Some may say “when you point one finger at someone, three more are pointing back at you.” Or are you ready for the backlash this could cause. Too be 100% honest, Yes, I’m ready. I’ve learned from every mistake that I’ve made, and I’m a better woman because of it! And as I stated earlier, I’m not going into the past to rehash things that happen years, months, or even days ago…I’m simply saying from this day (October 22, 2009) forward I’m not biting my tongue out of fear. If I bite my tongue it will be because I choose too, not because I felt like it was my only option.