This is the hardest blog I’ve had to write in a while, partially because I’m still trying to process it all. You see I work in a profession where it’s not uncommon for a person to threaten suicide. In the 3+ years I’ve had my job I think I have had someone tell me they’re going to commit or thinking of committing suicide at least twice monthly. Then I have to go through the whole shabang of calling their doctor, the local sheriff department, or a family member so they can go over there and check on the individual. Thankfully, they’ve all turned out to be idle threats, but that still doesn’t make those calls any easier to handle. Although I’ve never had a claimant actually do it, the fact that they’re even considering it brings tears to my eyes. I’m not one to judge, so I try not to look at people differently based on their choices; and I know I can’t expect people to handle things the way in which I would. However, suicide is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand.
Don’t get me wrong…there have been moments when I’ve felt like “God why me” or “why am I even here” but they’ve been just that…moments. By the time I went to sleep and woke up, I was okay. No, the pain wasn’t gone. Nor were all of my questions answered. But I knew suicide was NOT the solution. I feel like that’s the most selfish decision one could ever make. You end your pain and suffering only to leave those that love you the most in pain.
Prior to this weekend, I was soooo naive’ and ignorant. I was the one saying “black people don’t commit suicide”, but then it happened. Now I’m left trying to process all these emotions; there’s sadness, pain, confusion and unbelief just to name a few…But the one that seems to be the most prevalent is ANGER! I’m pissed! I mean you don’t expect the people you love to cause you pain…well at least not this kind. I’m angry that I have to watch someone I love, bury their only son, whom I also love. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I don’t know who to blame. I feel bad for being mad at someone that’s now dead, but at the same time I’m watching my family, our family, suffer due to their decision. I’m trying not to be angry, especially because I don’t know what was going on or how he must of felt…but I’m sure its something that could have been fixed. Maybe not in a day or two, maybe not even in a month or two, but I know there had to have been a better resolution. There just had to have been!!!!
IDK, this is all too much right now. I just needed to get some thoughts out. But I will say this…if there’s anyone reading this post currently thinking about suicide please don’t do it. That’s a permanent fix to a temporary problem. I don’t want to undermine your feelings by telling you its not that serious, but its definitely not worth your life. Think of the people you love. Think of those who love you. Think of the person that will find your lifeless body. I know you may be hurting and you may feel like nobody cares or understands, but I guarantee you there’s somebody that loves and wants nothing but the best for you. Don’t quit on life! It’ll get better!