I’m sick right now…I mean literally sick. I went from not knowing anyone who committed suicide to two family members doing it exactly one month apart. The day after Thanksgiving (11/26) and the day after Christmas (12/26). So needless to say, I’m starting not to like “The Day After”.

I was actually able to deal with the first one much better. I mean sure I cried, and sure I felt sad, but it didn’t happen quite like this one. I was able to hold it together and be strong for his mom and sisters. But with this one I’m finding myself breaking down at the oddest times. Its not that I loved this one more…I think its because more people were involved. More people had to see their lifeless bodies…not to mention the fact that they had children. Two precious little boys who will probably never view Christmas the same. There’s a million and one questions and emotions. I keep asking “why” and no one seems to be able to answer me.

I’d just seen him. He was just getting on me for not coming “home” often enough. He was my big cousin but he was more like a brother. He was quick to try to school me on the games some men try to play. I remember him threatening my high school BF and him giving me the eye when he saw me at a party dancing a little too hard….Man this makes no sense. And sadly the only person who can tell us why is no longer here. Which means my questions…our questions, will NEVER get answered!

This just doesn’t seem fair. His grandmother just buried a grandchild and now she’s having to bury another one. Life is so short, she was only 26…a year older than me. He was 30. As mad as I want to be at him, I’m more hurt than anything. I don’t condone what he did, nor do I feel like there’s anything she could have said or done that could warrant such a permanent solution. But at the same time, I don’t know all the details and there’s a million and one stories going around, what I will say is…I do want to fall head over heels in love one day. Although the thought of that kind of real love scares me at times, I do hope to experience it. I think love is a beautiful thing when you’re both all in. But I don’t want anyone to love me to the point where they can’t let me leave…I don’t want them to love me to death.

I can’t stop crying. This post is probably all over the place…just like my emotions. 2010 has been quite a year. Can’t say I’m sad to see it go! UGH today was not the best…hopefully the day after will be a little better. God is still in control!