I was always taught to be cautious how you end one year and start another because that shapes how your new year will be. I’ve never been really big on superstition. I feel like what is meant to be will be and a cat walking in front of you, or splitting a pole, can’t change anything. However it’s just March and I’m starting to wonder if this is how my entire year will be. The last day of 2010 as well as the first day of 2011 was spent in pain as I had to say goodbye to two family members. January wasn’t that bad. But February and March have knocked me off my feet in more ways than one. I was forced to experience something I NEVER thought I’d experience all because I trusted someone, I allowed someone in, when everything in me said run. No, I can’t blame the other person entirely, because I allowed it to happen, knowing what I knew, yet and still, a part of me really felt like they were genuine. I was their friend and they weren’t going to do anything to harm me. And if they did, they would immediately try to rectify the situation. I know that may sound crazy, especially considering all the facts, but it was something about them that made me feel like it was okay. As iniquitous as it may have been, everything would be okay. But it’s not….
Now I’m left trying to figure out just how or why I even allowed myself to be put in this situation. How could someone I considered a friend just spit in my face and not even care enough to pass me a tissue? I feel like I’ve given them ample opportunities to show our friendship matters. Yet I’m constantly finding myself on the opposite end of their respect. Some friend! It hurts because I stepped out of my comfort zone for them. It feels like since their little world isn’t affected, “by the grace of God” as they put it, then to hell with me and I’m left to deal with all of this. And instead of them treating me with the respect I give them, I get excuse after excuse about why the friendship isn’t being reciprocated.
I’ve spent the weeks asking “why me”. But after a BBM conversation with them, I realized “it’s me” because I was dumb enough to allow it to happen. Hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back, I can’t blame anyone but myself. I’m still trying to process and deal with all of this. I don’t want to give up on them, but at the same time, I’m not going to continue to be treated like some third string friend. So as hurt as I am… As disappointment as I am…. As angry as I am… I happy to know just how much our friendship really meant. *insert BBM sarcastic face*