Last week was a tough one. For the most part, I’m pretty private and I think I’ve done a decent job of sharing, without fully exposing. As much of my personal life that I keep off of this blog, I definitely try to keep things “personal” and well in the prior post if you read even the first few lines you know that I was dealing with something’s. I’m still dealing with them, but with a much clearer mind and less raw emotion.
Last Monday I think I literally cried all day. I’m a cry baby so the crying didn’t bother me; what bothered me was the fact that there was not one person I could talk to. I know that sounds horrible as I have some amazing friends, but I think they are so used to me being strong that they no longer ask how I’m doing. They just assume I’m okay. I guess it’s partially my fault, because even when things aren’t fully okay, I say they are because I don’t like to complain about things I can’t change. However, as I stated in a previous blog, I’ve been trying to be more open. So in my attempt at being open, I decided to reach to out to a few of my friends to share with them how I was feeling (for a change). I just needed a shoulder to cry on instead of being that shoulder. I needed someone to cry with me, even if they didn’t fully understand the reason for my tears. The first person I called answered the phone and immediately started asking advice about their relationship. The second person said “I don’t know if I’m prepared for you to have a weak moment, you’re the strong one.” It was at that moment that I realized that although I have friends; I don’t have that one person that I can be 100% transparent with.
I realized that my tears on Monday were from a combination of disappointment, feeling alone and utter frustration…Frustration from helping everyone deal with their issues only to have to deal with mine alone. I feel like I’m in everyone’s phone under ICE (In Case of Emergency). They know I will just listen, give advice or simply cry with them. They know that I will take our conversations to the grave. They know that I won’t throw anything they say back in their face or hold anything they say against them. They know that I’m just a phone call away. Don’t get me wrong, I love that. I love that they trust me so much. I love that they know their secrets are safe with me…But is it too much to ask that it be reciprocated? I’m not sure how I got this superwoman cape, but I’m definitely no superwoman. Please return to sender. Not sure who voted me the resident hero, but I’ve decided to remove my name from the ballot for all present and future consideration. Thanks, but I respectfully decline the honor. Over the years I somehow was labeled the “strong one”. Well the problem with being the strong one is no one ever stops to ask if you’re okay. No one ever considers that you’re smiling because the second you stop, you might start crying. Yes, I’m a strong person. Yes, I can deal with and have dealt with quite a bit. But in the occasional instances that I do dial “911” it would be nice to get an answer…even if there are no answers.
“Sometimes the most hurtful thing is the silence of friends, not the words of enemies” ― Lisa Vanderpump