Bear with me…This post is probably going to be all over the place. But with the deaths of a few mutual friends coupled with just life in general, I need to clear some mental space. I’m typically very closed off. I hate sharing how I feel with people; I would much rather just keep things to myself. I feel like the less people know, the less ammunition they have. Trivial, I know, but it’s how I typically operate. I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, but at the close of 2013, I promised myself I would be more open. More open to trying new things and more open to those in my circle. I realized that it wasn’t reasonable for me to expect them to be open with me, if I couldn’t; or should I say, wasn’t willing to do the same with them. What I didn’t realize when I decided to be more open, was that it came with more feelings. Which, to be quite honest, are something I’m not at all prepared to deal with. I’ve said it time and time again, “It’s easy to close your eyes to something you no longer want to see, it’s almost impossible to close your heart to something you no longer want to feel.” That’s precisely where I’ve found myself lately; unable to close my heart to this rapid surge of feelings. I’m realizing that I’m expecting things from people that quite frankly don’t owe me anything. I’m trying to figure out how I went from just “going with the flow” to having this feeling of entitlement. I started to find myself over analyzing everything, questioning even more, and to state it plainly straight up tripping! I didn’t realize this until last night, well this morning. I kept trying to figure out how or why everyone around me was changing up on me. Then it dawned on me, they’re doing the exact same things they’ve been doing since day one…I’m the one all of a sudden expecting more. So now here’s the problem; how do you permit complete access without the unrealistic expectations? HELP!!!!!
If I can figure out how to do this, I think I’ll be just fine…
This is normally the type of post I would keep to myself, but I’m actually open to hearing what you guys have to say, so have at it…don’t worry, I’m not approving any comments for public view.