I’ve thought long and hard about posting this. But the more I see people attacking a woman for “waiting so long” to say something, and “not remembering all the details;” the more I realize I’ve waited long enough. I was about 8 and he was about 16. I’m now 33. This is first time I’ve ever spoken of this. *Deep Breath*
I don’t remember the play by play, which I think is a protection mechanism because I’m typically the one that remembers everything. All I remember is I was at one of my mom’s friend’s houses…I honestly can’t remember if she was there. But all the kids were playing and my mom’s friend’s son was watching us (AKA keeping us out of grown folks business) One moment we were throwing the football, the next minute he was picking on me for sucking my finger while trying to shove his penis in my mouth. I remember questioning what he was doing and he said that the two (his penis and my finger) were practically alike and since I enjoyed my finger I would enjoy him. Again, the details are fuzzy, but he definitely put his penis in my mouth while instructing me to just suck it like I did my finger. No, I don’t remember the date or time, but I know without a shadow of doubt that it was him and it happened. No, I don’t remember what either of us had on, but you can’t pay me to say that it didn’t happen. No, I don’t remember what made him stop or the moments immediately after; but I do remember his frustration when I wouldn’t just comply with his request. Some of his cousins who were also around his age were also there. I honestly don’t know if they were watching, but I do know they weren’t involved. As you can see…I don’t remember the details which to some takes away my credibility, but I remember the most important part, his penis was in my mouth when it shouldn’t have been which should be enough. But according to our president and supporters of Judge Kavanaugh, since I don’t remember all the details I should pretend like it never happened.
So, why today, why now? Good question…I’m tired of women being looked at as villains for speaking our truths. Or judged for the amount of time we waited. There’s a laundry list of reasons why I choose not to say anything. No, he didn’t threaten me or or my family. It was just the opposite, it happened once and he never said anything about it ever again. He never said “don’t tell” He never treated me any differently. As a matter of fact, it was as though he knew it was wrong and kept his distance afterwards. Even when I think back to the last time I saw him. We were both adults and he was overly nice and accommodating to me. Almost as though he wanted to apologize but wasn’t sure how or even if I remembered. Do I think he’s a horrible person? No, not at all. But just because he’s not a horrible person shouldn’t make my truth any less valid. The days of women being seen and not heard are over.
Words I never planned to utter #MeToo