Super Transparent Post
It may not be easy to read because it wasn’t easy to write, but nothing about death is easy so here goes…
These last few days have been weird and I mean weird. My timeline has been flooded with people singing the praises of and talking about how great someone who tried to ruin me, my name and my reputation was. I’ve seen post after post about how selfless and genuine he was and how big of a heart he had. Meanwhile I can’t help but replay how he selfishly used me for the sole purpose of retaliating. He wanted to get revenge on his ex and I was his pawn of choice. So while he may have been selfless and genuine, with a heart of gold to everyone else…unfortunately, that wasn’t my experience.
At first I was angry. I questioned how anyone, let alone what felt like everyone, could speak so highly of someone who came for my most prized possession; my name. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wish death on him or anyone for that matter. Personal feelings aside, I don’t feel like he could have done anything to warrant someone taking his life. PERIOD! However, I still couldn’t fathom him being anything other than the man I’d experienced. Then I saw a post
And I immediately got it. My villain was their hero and just because I didn’t have the opportunity to experience that side of him doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.
Far too often we try to discredit who people are/were to other people simply because they are/were not that to us. So I went back and read the tribute posts again. This time I let go of the hurt he’d caused and focused on learning about the man so many people adored. As I re-read each post, I couldn’t help but feel like I missed out on knowing an amazing human being. I wonder if we had met at a different time, under different circumstances, if I would have gotten the opportunity to experience the man the posts depict? I wonder if I would have a heartwarming story about how he was there for me during my time of need or how he gave me an encouraging word?
On second thought maybe he was trying to show me who he really was…He actually had someone reach out to me about a month ago. He told them that he wanted me to hear his side of things. However, I was stuck on the events from 2 years ago and I wasn’t at a place where I was willing to give him access to me again. Truthfully, he had already apologized privately but the humiliation was public so I needed the apology to be just as public. Though I wholeheartedly feel as though I made the best decision for me, I can’t help but wonder if I had agreed to talk to him, if I would have gotten to see a glimpse of the man so many posts described? If I would have experienced the selfless, genuine, lovable person I’m reading about? I wonder if he knew I had a warped view of him and he was trying to show me the man so many others knew? But since someone selfishly decided that he didn’t deserve to live, I’ll never know.
He sounded like a phenomenal man, and I hate I didn’t get to know him. I hate my only personal experience wasn’t a good one. I hate I didn’t get to know the hero so many are saying he was. I hate that so many people I love are hurting. I hate that his life was taken in such a senseless manner. I hate the whole situation! Praying for all those that knew and loved him. May the memories of your loved one keep you going even when you feel like you can’t. It’s been a pleasure getting to know him through your words.