Hey you guys, guess what?!?!? Apparently I’m spoiled and selfish. Now the spoiled part I can’t argue with. I have extraordinary parents, that will bend over backwards to make sure my siblings and I have all of what we need and 99.9% of what we want. So yes, I’m a little spoiled, maybe even more than a little…But selfish??? I can’t agree with! All of my friends and most of my enemies will tell you that I will literally give you the shirt off my back. With that being said, I’m sure you guys are probably wondering where all this is coming from. Well without going into much detail, I’ve known this guy since college. He’s a great guy, has a great head on his shoulders, but every time he’s asked me out I’ve turned him down. Recently he called me and said “I don’t understand what your problem is, you know I’m a great guy yet you won’t let me out of the Friend Zone.” He’s 100% right! I don’t feel like he’s boyfriend material. I told him that a few weeks after we met. He said he was cool with it, so now that it’s years later I don’t understand why he expects more. Cold maybe, but I was honest with him from the start. I know some will say “well what’s the harm in dating him”??? That’s simple… I’ve always been taught that you date to marry. No need to waste time. I’m sure by now you’re wondering why he isn’t “Dating Material”, drum roll please…he has a child. Not just a child, but a daughter. I’m flexible when it comes to what I want in a man, but a relationship with God is a must and no children allowed. Yes, he’s an amazing father; but I don’t want to start out playing second. Simple as that….And for that reason he feels like I’m selfish.
Now hear me out. I’m not a needy woman. I’m the type of woman that has to have my “Me Time”, its imperative to my being. But at the same time, when I do want to see my man, I want to see him. No if, ands, or buts about it. I don’t want to hear any excuses like “well I have to pick up my daughter” or “baby girl isn’t feeling well so I’m going to hang out with her.” Please don’t get me wrong…That’s what he’s supposed to do. And any guy that doesn’t isn’t a MAN in my eyes, but that’s not a situation that I choose to allow myself to be a part of. So if that makes me selfish then I guess I’m guilty as charged. Please don’t get me wrong. I LOVE kids. I teach dance every Saturday to young ladies that I love as though they were my very own. A lot of my friends have children that I simply adore. I’m just not at a place in my life where I’m willing to deal with all that comes with dating a man with a child. Aside from not wanting to play second, I don’t have time for the baby momma drama. What if the mom said “Oh I don’t want my son/daughter around her”, I mean she has that right. Who am I to go against her word, that’s HER child! What if the mother became threaten by my relationship with the child? Even if the baby’s mother wasn’t a factor, what if something were to happen between he and I; I wouldn’t want the child to get hurt. I get attached to children very quickly; and I don’t know how I would feel about not being able to see him/her anymore if the dad and I were to break up. I think about all of these things. Am I wrong? Possibly So! But I don’t think that makes me selfish, I kind of think that makes me considerate! Well maybe considerate isn’t the word, but I’m sure you get my point. I just don’t want a ready made family. To be 100% honest, even after I get married I want to wait a few years before we have children. I want my husband all to myself for a while. What’s the rush? We have the rest of our lives to be parents, so I want to enjoy just being husband and wife for as long as we can. Ok maybe that last part does sound a little bit selfish but hey what can I say?!?! *KanyeShrug*
PS. I know some will say, “Don’t knock it til you try it” For the record I did try to give a guy that has a child a chance, I gave him a WHOLE MONTH! LOL nah but seriously he kind of messed that up for everyone else. He got mad at his baby momma and out of anger said “well forget it; I’ll just be a deadbeat like everyone else.” Granted he was pissed, but I don’t feel like that should EVER be an option.
Rachelle Danielle 
Chuuuurch AND Tabernacle….
It’s not selfish at all to have standards; and NOT having children is a big standard to set, but it’s worth it. If you aren’t qualified for the job, don’t apply…. Relationships do require a certain amount of commitment, and if a man starts to neglect his child to be with me, he’s showing me something about himself. I agree that I want the man to handle his responsibilities when it comes to his child first, and that SHOULD definitely cut away from your time.
But I also feel like he shouldn’t have to settle for NO personal life at all because he has child. He just needs to recognize that some women find it to be a turn-off, in a way… This one is pretty tough.
I agree with you and I don’t feel like his social life should be nonexistent, I just feel like his social life shouldn’t include me. Sure we can hang out and friends, but the friend zone is where he’ll remain. But hey I’m just one woman, I’m sure they’re millions of others that don’t mind him having a child.
I could go on and on about how you shouldn’t be so close-minded to the idea of dating a man with a child(ren) and yadda, yadda, ya….but I won’t!
There is nothing at all wrong or selfish about setting a list of standards for yourself in a relationship. Now unless God deals with you personally about your needs, wants and desires in a reationship, you have every right to set the bar!!!
Just continue to be prayerful and open to the voice of God!
I hear everything you’re saying, and who knows I may eventually grow out of this, but as of now, I just can’t deal. I know it’s not right to base my standards off what other people go through but it does play a major role in my decisions. I have a few friends who’ve dated and married a man with a child and all of them say that their spouse’s baby mother is the biggest thorn in their relationship.
Pretty good….not selfish…just have your standards…..things may change with time…but for now, thats where you stand! Give what you expect!