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Day 20: The Person That Broke My Heart the Hardest

I’m not really sure if you broke my heart or if I was just frustrated with how everything turned out. But for some reason as soon as I read the topics for each day it was your name that jumped out at me for this particular day. I know that’s not something you really wanted to read but unfortunately it’s the truth…So here goes

*deep breath*  

*long pause*

 *stops to think*

*deep breath*

“Derwin”

Derwin, Derwin, Derwin…Man where do I even begin. I honestly don’t remember how we even met. I mean I know we went to the same school, but for some reason I don’t think that’s where our “relationship” began. I’ll have to be the first to admit, our “relationship’ started off crazy. We would hang out all weekend, then get to school and barely speak to each other. IDK, I guess I’ve always been extremely private when it came to my personal life and for the most part you were the same way, so I guess it worked.

I’m not going to even front, we had some amazing times. Even now when we talk, or run into each other, we still have a decent conversation. Occasionally we have our “what if” moments, but for the most part our relationship has come full circle. But it took us FOREVER to get to this point. Well I won’t say us…it took me forever to get to this point. I’ve never been able to adequately express our relationship in words. I mean we were what we were. We would go hard for months, then not see each other for months, then pick right back up where we left off. It was CRAZY. 6 years we did the back and forth and back and forth and back…well you get the point. But then it happened, you said something to me that literally shook my world. “I think I have a baby”. Not “I think she’s pregnant”, but “I think I have a baby.” My initial reaction was shock. I mean I knew you’d just gotten in a new relationship, and I was dealing with that, but the whole baby thing was a different story. And it wasn’t even by the girl you were currently with…DRAMA LOL!!!!

I remember standing in the parking lot fighting back tears as you told me the story. You seemed confused and unsure, so I didn’t want to show any kind of emotion. I went numb. I just told you congratulations and went on my way. I couldn’t talk to you for a while after that. Then when we finally did talk, you told me that you’d gotten the paternity test results and the baby was definitely yours. I was at a loss for words, I mean I wanted to be happy for you, I knew you’d be an amazing father, but part of me felt like that should have been my baby. No I wasn’t (and still NOT) ready for kids, but you know how you have your life planned out? Part of me felt like we would eventually get our acts together and we would be together. But that day, once you spoke those words, I knew the possibility of you and I no longer existed. 

Then the day came. I was leaving a wedding in Durham and you called me and told me you had the baby at the park. I needed to lay my eyes on this child. I don’t know why, but part of me felt like I just had to. So I agreed to meet you at the park. What you didn’t tell me was that your baby momma was also there. I was mentally prepared to meet the baby, but now I have this chick looking in my face too. I could have killed you that day. But I was done up since I’d just left the wedding and I knew I was fly so I said “what the heck” and decided to stay. I sat there holding the baby as you two went back and forth about your girlfriend at the time. I don’t usually hold babies but I felt like I had to, I felt like I just needed to get over you as well as the entire situation. So I sat there playing and cuing at the little one until you guys finished arguing. Occasionally you guys would ask for my opinion, of course I didn’t know what to say, I’d mentally checked out, so I just sided with her because I wasn’t sure what you’d told her about me and I didn’t want to look like the bitter one. As I was driving home from the park, I heard “I Remember” by Keyshia Cole and immediately started crying. I felt like I was ready to walk away from the possibility of “us” once and for all. And I did…or so I thought.

I didn’t see you any more for a while after that. But one day you called me and we chatted for a bit. Then your girlfriend invited me to a gathering. It was kind of awkward but it had been about 8 or 9 months and I needed to prove to myself I was over the situation once and for all. So I went. We had a great time, dancing and laughing and taking pictures. You walked me to my car and then it happened…we kissed. I felt so bad, I mean I was just with the two of you together yet there I stood you kissing me, me kissing you, us kissing each other. Everything I thought I was over immediately came rushing back. I felt horrible. I knew you’d been drinking, but I didn’t have one drink, so I felt like all the blame was on me. I drove home and vowed to myself that I would just forget about it, hoping you would do the same. But the next morning you texted me. I prayed all night that the alcohol you’d consumed had clouded your judgment, but that text proved to me that I wasn’t the only one with a clear head. Yes it was just a kiss, but I felt like we’d gone all the way. I felt like I was a home wrecker. (I know that’s a bit dramatic) I sent you an email, telling you how I felt and that I was going back in my shell…but I couldn’t escape you. I think you were stalking me LOL. Nah but seriously we started running into each other in some of the most random places. The gas station, the DMV, I even ducked from you one day in Walmart SMH.

I feel like this letter is getting ridiculously long. So I’ll end by saying this. We’ve shared some amazing memories, and although the dynamics of our relationship have changed, I’m happy that we’re able to say we’re friends and mean it. I remember talking to one of my friends about “us” and she said “man ya’ll sound like an episode of ‘The Game’” You’re Derwin and I’m Melanie. So that has become your code name LOL. I sincerely wish you all the best, but I’m sure you know that. Even before I decided to write this letter, we had a conversation about it. I didn’t want to blindside you, or you to feel like I put you on blast. But I wouldn’t have been being true to myself or this challenge if I weren’t honest. I have no regrets when it comes to us, because we were what we were…and what we were was…wait for it…wait for it…Magical *insider*

“Melanie”

Sorry you guys…no real pictures for this one either. I asked him to send me some pictures of himself that didn’t really look like him, and he did, but as soon as I saw them I immediately knew it was him, so I decided not to post them. Besides, some of yall are just being nosey LOL

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