I woke up extra emotional today. I literally woke up, said my prayers and exploded into tears. Everyone that knows me knows, birthdays (Happy Birthday Daddy) and early mornings make me hella emotional; add in the fact that this year is almost most over and boom bring on the water works. For the last 3 years I’ve done a yearly recap. At times, I’m too open when I write, and I feel like something’s should be left private so I decided not to post them to my public blog. However, let’s see if I can be transparent without revealing too much (oxymoron) and see if this one can make the cut…
I entered 2013 with the highest expectations. My birthday is 9/13, so 13 has always been my favorite number. I remember being in Bible Study one night and the preacher was talking about numbers, their meanings and what your favorite number says about you. We had to go around and say our favorite number. When my turn came, I stood up and said my favorite number was 13. The preacher then made some kind of comment about how 13 is a rebellious number, and how I may have a tendency to be rebellious. I think I was about 16 or 17 when this happened and was the epitome of the “cookie cutter” Christian; so I felt some type of way after basically been told that I was a rebel. I felt like, “who are you to tell me I’m rebellious or have rebellious tendencies just because I happen to like a number.” Well, I guess they were right, because this year I found myself rebelling and rebelling quite often.
I’ve always been considered the “good girl”. I can’t count the number of times parents have come up to me at church or after a community event just to say “thank you for being a good role model.” Or “I hope my daughter follows in your footsteps.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s an honor, but it also made me feel like I had to be perfect. Their comments had me so afraid to make a mistake, not even just make a mistake, but so afraid to live my life, that I stopped living for myself and started living for those around me. I found myself going out of my way to maintain this image that had been thrust upon me, so much so, that I lost sight of who I was. I felt like a Stepford Wife, just going through the motions, afraid to deviate from the plan that those around me had laid out. Then around March, something clicked and I just stopped caring. For the first time, since I can remember I started to do what I wanted to do. I literally had/have an “I just don’t give a ****” attitude. And I LOVE it!
I finally started living for Rachelle. No longer did I do things simply to please others, but now I was doing things to please myself. I rebelled against the “good girl” image. I rebelled against the people that tried to force me to stay in their claustrophobic boxes and I rebelled against the glass ceiling I’d trapped myself under. So without going into detail; I’ve done something’s that I’m not necessarily proud of, but I certainly don’t regret. Did something’s that I said I would never do, and have relished in every minute of it; and will most likely do again. Opened some doors that perhaps shouldn’t have been opened, but enjoyed walking thru them. Crossed some lines that shouldn’t have been crossed, but wouldn’t backtrack if you paid me. To state it plainly… I lived!!! Am I bragging about being a “rebel”…Of course not. But 2013 taught me that just because you’re not proud of something, doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it or be thankful for the experiences it taught you. Being a rebel has allowed me to live life outside the walls of the church and experience God in ways I didn’t think were possible. Being a rebel has allowed me to meet people that have awakened my fervor for life and caused me to go after things I no longer thought were achievable. Being a rebel has allowed me to have a front row seat to greatness. Being a rebel has caused me to truly step out on faith and trust God like never before. Being a rebel has forced me to not just talk about it, but actually be about it. Being a rebel has challenged me to grow. Being a rebel has allowed me to experience life on an utterly uncommon level; and for that I’m sincerely thankful. Sheesh, okay, maybe I am bragging a little.
Let’s have a toast to the rebels!