It all started with a text…A simple text from my ex that read “please call me, no games, please”. I hesitated a bit, but decided to call. He answered the phone and “he’s dead Chelle” was all he could get out before he broke down. I was trying to stay calm but I started freaking out because we know a lot of “he’s” and I didn’t know which “he” he was talking about. It took him about 10 minutes to finally get it all out. “He killed himself Chelle, Yusuf killed himself.” I stood there holding the phone utterly dumbfounded. I needed to make sure we were talking about the same Yusuf, so I just started spitting out questions…“Yusuf from Durham?” “Yusuf that was about to get married?” “Yusuf of we all we got/crown life?” “The Kappa Yusuf?” All he kept responding was “Yes, him” “Yes, him”
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” His final tweet, before shattering so many hearts.
I, like everyone else, am truly shocked. You never know what lies behind a person’s smile. Death is never easy, but death by suicide is the absolute worst. It leaves everyone the person left behind with tons of questions. “Is there anything I could have done?” “Why didn’t he/she talk to me?” “Was it really that bad?” “Did I do enough to try to stop them?” “Did I miss any of the signs?” I mean the list of questions goes on. However, the truth of the matter is, we may never know just what lead such an incredible person to make a permanent decision. I know people grieve differently but please, please, please don’t blame yourself. I saw a tweet yesterday that shook me to my core, it was from one of his close friends and he was blaming himself. I think that’s the last thing he wanted. No one could have known that he was in that amount of pain. Once a person has made up their mind that death is their only way out, sometimes there’s nothing any of us can do to stop them.
We all have moments when we feel like the world is crashing down on us. We all have days when we want to just throw in the towel. We all have our “eff it” moments. However, you have to know that this too shall pass. Yes, it hurts. Sometimes the pain is simply unbearable, and we feel like life’s not fair, but do know it gets better. You can’t allow yourself to make a permanent resolution to a temporary problem. To his crew, his boys, his brothers…I know you lost a good one, I know the pain is unfathomable; but know that he would want you to continue doing major things. I’ve never seen a group of men where the whole crew is successful; there’s usually one slacker, but not you guys; you are living proof that not all black men are criminals, hoodlums and thugs. Don’t let this tragedy stop your hustle! You guys have a bond like no other, your support system is phenomenal and you WILL get through this. To his beautiful fiancé; Jennifer… I don’t even know where to start. You were just planning a wedding and now… I know this has to be unreal. But like you said yesterday, you did everything within your being to try to save him. Who knows, you maybe the very reason he fought as long as he did. You my friend are incredible and you will get through this.
Love you guys!!!!